Being There

Sometimes there’s just nothing you can do. A friend or family member is in distress — depressed, angry, disappointed, anxious, frustrated, or whatever. They may have experienced major trauma or be in the throes of some emotional upheaval. There’s no way you can solve the problem, and sometimes it’s simply better not to try. Not every problem can be fixed, and not everyone wants you to fix their problem. Sometimes it’s simply futile because there is no solution. Sometimes it’s insulting to even suggest that you might be able to fix it.

What do you do then? You sit with the person as they experience their feelings and say nothing. They don’t need advice. They don’t need conversation. They simply need the presence of another person. They just need you to be there.

Therapists sometimes recommend that when you have a strong feeling, you sit with it for a while. You don’t jump up and try to do something that will make it go away. You don’t ignore it. You don’t try to ignore it. You simply sit with the feeling and feel it. Later, there will be time to talk about it. First, you simply identify the feeling, if you can, and then be there with it.

Being there for another person is a great gift to them. In the face of strong emotion, they may not have the ability to talk about it. Having someone who will simply lend their presence in a time of turmoil gives comfort when it’s needed, unobtrusively.

You don’t have to simply sit when you’re being there for another person. You can touch them, place a hand on their shoulder. You can make them a cup of tea. You don’t ask if they want one. You just do it. The tea will be there if they need a soothing beverage. You will be there if they need a soothing presence.

Our society is so action-oriented these days. When we can’t solve a problem, we feel helpless. And that may be true. We’re helpless to change the situation, helpless to cheer up our friend, helpless to take pain away.

But being there may be the only action that is needed. The power of being there is the promise that, if your friend does need something concrete, something that you can offer, you will be there to provide it. In the meantime, there is nothing that either of you needs to do. Being there is the offering.