My Brazen Hussy Phase

This is me in my Brazen Hussy phase, back in my college days. The piano player is a friend that I sometimes went places with. (We tried dating once, but it was a total bust.) We decided to recreate a saloon girl-type photo at the piano in the student union building. There was a lot of hooting and cheering as we got in position. I didn’t have a saloon-girl outfit, so I dressed Western instead. The vest was one my mother made for me out of various calico fabric scraps. I don’t remember just when or where I got the leather hat, but it went with me throughout college and beyond.

My Brazen Hussy phase was the first time that hypomania hit, except for the many times that it appeared as anxiety before I went to college, and after.

As many people do the first time they experience hypomania, especially the sexual kind, I rather enjoyed it. I flirted and dated, which I never did in high school. I joined a sorority and went to frat parties. I enjoyed my first kiss and then many more. I had a mad crush on a musician and eventually got to know him too. He was exciting and passionate and awakened something in me that never even seemed to exist before. When he broke up with me, I went into a deep downward spiral. I won’t say that was why I took a year off college, but I was confused about my future, and that surely didn’t help.

Back in my hometown for the next year, I got my hypomanic mojo back. I engaged in what I knew was a risky relationship with a coworker. I kept up with him for years and told him about my former life as a Brazen Hussy and about my depression. We went out during the former and he stuck with me through the latter. But he always said he wanted Brazen Hussy Jan rather than timid, depressed Jan.

I was back in Brazen Hussy mode when I met the man who would become my husband. We were with a couple of women who already knew him and greeted him with a kiss. “Don’t I get one too?” I asked boldly and got one. He kissed me again around the campfire and followed me around all weekend. I basked in the attention. It was exactly what I needed at the time.

Shortly thereafter, I moved back to my hometown. But we conducted a long-distance relationship until finally he moved out to be with me and, eventually, we married.

I won’t say I never went back into Brazen Hussy mode again. Hypomania still affected me. I still got mad crushes and flirted outrageously. Finally, however, I was diagnosed with bipolar and properly medicated. I won’t say the Brazen Hussy mode went away entirely, but episodes were fewer and further between and easier to understand.

I didn’t originally mean this post to be so confessional, but hypomania and hypersexuality are a very real part of bipolar disorder that I didn’t miss out on in my younger years. And that I sometimes miss in my later years. I know that not having those surges of intense feeling is better for me. Nowadays, however, when my bipolar disorder kicks up, it’s generally bipolar depression. I’m a lot more settled now and don’t have much room in life for hypomania. When I experience it now, it usually manifests as anxiety again or mild euphoria and overspending.

But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss my Brazen Hussy phase from time to time.