When Couples Therapy Works

Couples counseling is never easy. It’s hard enough to have one person discussing their problems with a therapist, much less two. Two opinions. Two versions of reality. Two sets of problems. Two emotional whirlpools. Two perspectives. Two of everything.

And one therapist. One person trying to understand the dynamics. One person listening to two stories. One person trying to help two individuals and to help a couple.

It’s a wonder it ever works.

But it can. It does. Not always, but sometimes.

My husband and I have been to couples counseling three different times. Two of them helped. One didn’t.

One was a long-term round of therapy when we were much younger, trying to work out some of the typical problems that young couples face. We weren’t fighting, but we didn’t know how to live and work together well.

Our therapist was an older lady, very dignified and comforting. A good listener, she gave us as long as we needed to talk before she did. It was a productive relationship and helped a lot.

The second time didn’t go so well. It was short-term therapy, under the auspices of an Employee Assistance Program, so we had six weeks to work things out.

Except it didn’t work. The therapist took sides, and sided with my husband. She ignored my bipolar disorder (or depression, as it was diagnosed at the time) and suddenly, he was the sane one and I was damaged. She expected me to accommodate him. After every session, I felt shredded. I didn’t make it through the six weeks. At some point before that, I refused to go.

The third time was after we had a major blow-up, one that threatened to ruin us. My therapist recommended a counselor who could work with both of us. We had opposing views that were incompatible. There was bitterness and anger on both sides. The therapist gave us a safe space to say what we needed to, question each other’s perceptions, and work out a way to go on from there. Mostly, she listened. After only a few sessions, we achieved a detente and were calm enough to continue without outside help.

Three examples — uniquely ours and not representative of anyone else’s experience. Three dynamics. Three outcomes.

What made them different? Two were safe spaces for both of us, and one wasn’t, for me at least. One was long-term and might have been even longer if the therapist hadn’t retired. One was short-term and even shorter because I couldn’t continue with the process. One was positively episodic, three sessions only.

Of course, I don’t know what couples therapy is like from the therapist’s side. From my own perspective, it seemed that the process only worked when there was space — space in time, as long or as short as needed, neither cut off artificially or drawn out more than necessary. And when there was someone who listened to both of us. Comfortable physical spaces, too, not impersonal offices but welcoming rooms that looked like someone could relax in them.

Two people with multiple problems. Two processes that worked for both of us and one that didn’t.

I can’t pontificate about the process. All I can say is that couples therapy can work, and does work, and did work for us — at least two times out of three. What made the difference? I think it was the ability of the therapists to step back, listen to both of us, and not tell us what to do. They talked too, of course. They recommended books for us to read. They suggested new ways to think about things and talk about them. They absorbed the bad feelings in the air and didn’t deny them. But in their presence, it was possible to think, to listen, and to talk. To disagree, to argue, to come back together. To heal and discover. To grow.