Where Did the Money Go?

Though it embarrasses me to write this, it’s true that when I’m hypomanic, I overspend. That’s one of the ways I can tell that I’m actually hypomanic, when I go on spending sprees. Online shopping is my downfall.

I buy things for myself. I’m still in search of the perfect bra, and I like to have a good supply of underwear. I buy exotic jewelry — amber, picture jasper, zoisite — this despite the fact that I almost never leave the house. I end up wearing the jewelry to my doctor’s appointments. And I know it doesn’t really go with my t-shirt collection.

I buy books. Lots of books. I have an e-reader with almost 2,000 books on it. I know I’ll never read all of them, but I can’t resist something really interesting or by a favorite author.

I buy presents. I see things online that I think my husband might like, buy them, and squirrel them away until his birthday or our anniversary or Christmas. Half the time I don’t even know what he’ll do with them. My latest purchase for him was an articulated copper trilobite. I figure he has a curio cabinet and, if he can’t figure out anything else to do with it, he could put it there.

I buy presents for friends, too. Recently I bought carved stone guitar picks, for no reason, for two of my dear friends who play the guitar. And I sent a friend one of his favorite treats for his birthday.

Has this gotten me into financial trouble? I’d have to say yes. We’ve had some financial reverses recently, but truthfully, we could have absorbed them better if we still had the money I spent. There’s no room left on our credit cards. At the end of the month, things get tight and we have to watch every penny until our Social Security comes in.

Of course, my husband has his own fits of reckless spending. He buys presents, too, mostly for me or his mother. And he buys lots of garden supplies, everything from individual plants to truckloads of mulch. He also indulges in fossilized wood, spheres of polished stone, antiques, and the like. He can’t resist the discount shelves at the grocery store and brings home expensive (but bargain!) delicacies like canned banana leaves and pumpkin pasta sauce. We both like to eat out.

So, how do I try to keep these hypomanic spending jags down? I do try.

First of all, I take my meds faithfully. They include a mood leveler, which I hope will cut down on the hypomania.

Second, I listen to my husband. He often notices when I’m teetering on the edge of hypomania and tells me so.

Third, I try to spend the least amount possible when I do spend money. I buy books when they are discounted to $3 or less. (When we ran out of money at the end of last month, I didn’t even look at the ads for bargain books, just deleted them.) I buy underwear only when it is on a closeout sale. I use gift cards when I have them.

I also try to set limits. I try not to buy things that cost more than $25. (Sometimes I don’t make it.) I watch for sales, free shipping, and 2-for-1 offers. When I consider a larger expense, I talk it over with my husband. (Sometimes he enables me, however.)

Then too, I’m the one who pays the bills and monitors the credit cards and bank account. Sometimes I miscalculate, but I almost always know how much is in the bank and what bills are due and when. There are times when I tell my husband how much we can spend on groceries for the week (not that he always sticks to what I tell him).

Of course, the consequences of my hypomanic spending increase my anxiety, to the point where I’m almost immobilized. (That’s where I am right now.) I’m not sleeping well, or some nights at all. But I am trying to find ways to bring in more money to supplement our Social Security and my husband’s job. But my work is unpredictable and so are my earnings. There are steady months, but right now my assignments are in a slump.

Oh, well. I guess overspending is better than hypersexuality.